The hardest part about marriage is not the other person. Sure our spouse is a sinner with struggles, habits, and expectations. But it seems the more difficult part about marriage is how trying to love another person well reveals our own character. We see our own depravity when we are asked to love others first. We see our selfishness. We see how far we are from what God has created us to be.
Hopefully when we are confronted with this dark revelation our response is, “Oh, I see now. If that is the way I am, I’ll change.” Unfortunately, that is not how it always goes. Instead of stepping further in to the relationship and all the vulnerabilities that come with it, we often run the other way in shame, blame, and even anger.
Well, we may not literally run the other way. We are married after all. It’s not impossible to run away, but it is a big hassle. So instead of physically leaving, many husbands and wives emotionally check out. When we are unwilling to face our own sinful heart and we resist the sanctifying work of God, we pull away from our spouse and piece by piece dismantle the relationship.
This pulling away is not always about doing bad things to our spouse. Very often we are too tired for that. Instead, we undermine our marriage when we go dormant and stop doing the things that matter the most. So to hurt our marriage, here are a few good things we tend to stop doing:
Stop giving legitimate compliments.
Encouragement is to a relationship what food is to our bodies. Our spouse has value. God created her. And she gives a big part of herself to us everyday. When we fail to recognize her sacrifice, appreciate what she does, and then tell her so, we not only hurt her, but we chip away at the relationship. Shallow, thoughtless compliments are not helpful either, but sincere words of encouragement remind our spouse that she is important to us and that her life makes a difference.
Stop asking good questions.
When we talk more than we listen or tell more than we ask, our relationship turns south. I am not naturally a great “question-asker,” but I am learning how questions, when phrased in the right way with the right tone can take a relationship to a whole new level. On the other hand, when we make assumptions, when we presume upon our spouse, she feels marginalized, even judged—and rightly so. That is exactly how she should feel because that is exactly what we are doing when we fail to stop and ask questions.
Stop forgiving hurtful offenses.
Forgiveness is a big deal. Jesus not only taught it, He modeled it. Perhaps the most profound moment was while He hung on the cross, He prayed, “Father forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:24). If we have been forgiven by God we have no right to withhold forgiveness from someone else, however, we do not have the natural capacity to forgive and forget. To forgive requires a struggle. It is a decision, but it is also a process.
Marriage regularly invites two sinners to become two forgivers. Sometimes our spouse hurts us intentionally when she submits to her fleshly whims. At other times, she offends out of ignorance—she does not know what she is doing. Either way, it hurts. But because we have been forgiven much, we forgive much. It may take time and a lot of hard work for trust to be restored, but if we do not forgive, a root of bitterness is sure to grow up and strangle our marriage.
Stop building oneness.
Marriage is not a divide and conquer proposition. God said that it was not good that Adam was alone, but that was not because Adam was lonely. It was because Adam could not fulfill God’s purpose by himself. So if we really want to sabotage our marriage, we will divide our responsibilities, do our own thing, enjoy our own friends and hobbies, run the kids around, and meet up with our spouse occasionally for supper. But perhaps we have been called to something better than that. Instead of focusing on what has to be done, we build the oneness God intends when we turn our time and attention to each other.
Stop showing genuine empathy.
We most naturally view life through our own lenses, and if we want to run our marriage into the ground we will insist that our spouse conforms to our way of thinking. But empathy says we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes or that we look from someone else’s perspective. It means we care more about understanding our spouse than explaining ourselves. It means preferring our spouse above ourselves. It means doing kind acts and speaking kind words kindly. It means assuming the best about our spouse even when we do not fully understand. It means listening with compassion rather than with criticism. And it means learning to feel deeply with our spouse.
Every healthy relationship thrives because someone refused to stop building it, refused to stop being vulnerable, refused to stop initiating. There are dry seasons in every marriage, but those seasons are shortened by our persistence. We refuse to quit because God has called us to something greater than two people sharing a house. He has created marriage to announce to the world, “God loves you and Jesus died for you!” Marriage is the Gospel in living color. So we do not stop. We fulfill our purpose because Jesus fulfilled His.