Avoid.  Avoid.  Avoid.  Most of us deal with conflict by avoiding it.  We ignore it.  We stuff it.  We sweep it under the carpet.  We put off the tough conversations.  Why?  Because they are tough.

But I recently heard leadership speaker John Maxwell say, “Shovel the pile while it is small.”  Every relationship is full of obstacles and challenges that create conflict.  Here are a few steps that may help you “keep the pile small”.

When you conflict:

Affirm the person.

More than likely, you love the person on the other side of the conflict.  Even if you don’t God does and created them in His image.  Communicate value and respect no matter what they think, say, or do.

Acknowledge the problem.

Even if you think there is no problem, if the other person thinks there is a problem, there is a problem.  Name it in simplest terms.  Be clear about what the actual problem is, otherwise solutions will miss the mark.

Accept responsibility.

Who created the mess is not the main issue.  Who will clean it up is the issue.  Jesus did not create the mess He chose to solve.  Man sinned.  God loved.  Jesus saves.  Serve others by owning the responsibility to find good solutions.

Adopt an action plan.

Look backward only to the extent that it helps you to understand the problem, and then move forward with a well-defined (written) plan of action.  Apologies are important, but they do little to fix the problem.  Tangible change, however, has an incredible effect on a situation.  When you agree on an action plan, the relationship that was strained moves toward health.

Account for progress.

Difficult conversations must happen, but they probably happen too often because people fail to follow-through with their promises.  Don’t waste the fight.  Be open to accountability.  Measure progress.  And then celebrate victories with something very chocolate!

So the next time you see a fight coming, don’t avoid it.  Instead use it as an opportunity to build a relationship that you have always wanted.

I’d love your feedback.  How has recent conflict helped your marriage? Click comment button below to join the conversation.