Who doesn’t have a few relationships that are not what they should be? Who doesn’t carry around the weight of strained relationships with family members or friends?
When I evaluate my own history, I see gaps in my life that wounded people that I loved. And I regret it. My gaps were not the only ones in play, but they sure did not help move the relationship forward.
So understanding that not everyone wants a flourishing relationship with us, understanding that sometimes people are bad apples who have sinister motives, and understanding that we cannot maintain friendships with everyone, I’ve noticed there are at least five common ways many of us undermine the relationships we actually long to build.
These five stressors are not necessarily evil, except to the extent that humans are sinners who tend to sin against one another. They may reveal an immature character, but they are often more foolish than overtly sinful. Frankly, that makes them harder to recognize and to correct. Nevertheless, left unchecked, they erode the way we love the people God has given us to love.
Notice the apostle Paul’s direct commands about how we relate to the people around us,
Let love be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. 10 Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not lack diligence in zeal; be fervent in the Spirit; serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer. 13 Share with the saints in their needs; pursue hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. 18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:9-18
While some people are harder to love than others, we do have some responsibilities that the Holy Spirit has called us to that will build up the people closest to us and encourage them to follow Jesus with us.
Perhaps identifying these five stressors will help us to love our neighbors as ourselves.
We distort what is true with limited information.
It’s not that we don’t have good information. It’s that we usually only have limited information. So while she may have said those inappropriate and harmful words, those words are not the only words she said. Although he did that sinful thing that hurt me, that’s not the only thing that created this situation.
We often respond only to what we know rather than to all that is true.
So rather than assuming we have enough information to be offended, we may want to ask a few sincere questions first. Seeking to understand before we draw conclusions will not only save us a lot of heartache, but will also demonstrate greater grace.
We assume motives in isolation.
Sometimes people do or say things based on information they have rather than on the information they should have, would like to have, or the information we already have. So instead of assuming they have legitimate blind spots, we often assume our offender is perfectly aware of all the relevant information and made a hurtful decision anyway.
Ignorance can cause a lot of pain. Ignorance requires apologies and repentance. But ignorance and even foolishness produce a much different kind of wound than corruption. It’s not uncommon for us to assume corruption when in fact we’ve been hurt by another person’s ignorance. The pain is real either way, but wrong assumptions about the culprit detour reconciliation.
We hold hidden expectations.
When Paul said to “outdo one another in showing honor,” there’s this sense that the greater expectations are on us rather than on other people. Yet many of us hold expectations of others that are greater than those we hold of ourselves. We expect others to go the extra mile when we are unwilling to do so.
But then there’s the issue of unclear expectations. In marriage, this lack of clarity related to roles and responsibilities in the home produces quick conflict. A husband expects things the wife never imagined. Or the wife expects things from her husband he never understood.
Hidden expectations, however, can sabotage every relationship in our lives. We can project requirements on others they never know about. Perhaps our hopes and dreams about the relationship are good, but they’ve never been discussed, much less agreed upon. Perhaps our expectations are unreasonable, therefore, they will never be met.
Even the best expectations, when they are hidden, set everyone up for failure. So it’s not higher or lower expectations that build healthy relationships, just clearer ones.
We make judgments through a self-centered lens.
We don’t like to admit it, but we think about ourselves. A lot. The familiar adage that we evaluate the quality of a group photo based on how we look is true. Our view of the world often hinges on how we feel about our own circumstances.
So we tend to evaluate relationships based on how we are being treated, how we are spoken to, what opportunities we are given. Selflessness never makes room for any type of abuse, but putting others first, considering others more important than ourselves has practical implications that may not work out in our favor.
When we change our lenses and die to ourselves we will find that even though the relationship produces some measure of pain, God’s grace is sufficient. We will discover joy in walking not according to the flesh, but according to the Holy Spirit. And we will find that Jesus is both more clearly displayed to others and ever present with us even in our momentary suffering.
We stray from Jesus while trying to love like Him.
Loving others grows out of our intimacy with Jesus. But too often strained relationships stir up heart attitudes in us that actually break our fellowship with God. We find ourselves struggling with God while struggling with others, which produces a cycle of sin that impairs our ability to love anyone very well.
This leads us into a kind of hypocrisy we never thought was possible. We say we love God, but refuse to love others. According to John, that makes us a liar (1 John 4:20).
While strained relationships grieve us and trouble us, ultimately the enemy’s chief aim in every broken relationship is to break our fellowship with God. To render us defeated. To sideline us from the great Kingdom work of making disciples of Jesus.
As the Spirit of the Living God resides in every believer, however, we can pursue peace with one another. We can forgive like we’ve been forgiven. We can show others the grace we offer to ourselves. We can assume our blind spots are bigger than we think they are. And by God’s grace, we can deeply love one another as brothers and sisters just as God has loved us.
Photo by Giancarlo Revolledo on Unsplash